Giving the Cat a
Pill
1) Pick cat up and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat
from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and
throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count
to ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl
and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
friend.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail,
get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get
friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not
harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to
friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and
soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's
shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and
put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records
for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat
from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil-wrap.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and
pour pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14) Get friend to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat.
Ring local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.